Being
a shit blogger I thought I'd up my game by researching some of the
shit things that shit bloggers write about and try to get some tips.
My research methodology was p tested and forest plotted extensively
so I knew I was onto a winner before I even started. Lacking any real
statistical software I simply autohypnotically clicked into my
calculator.exe whilst thinking really hard about robots (to avoid
publication bias) and got a result that was not a 'minus number'.
This is how science works, don't ask me how, it just is.
Food
blogging
As
a borderline anorexic this threw me a bit I must say. I mainly try to
avoid eating food let alone write about it. Eating disordered
bloggers on the other hand often spend vast amounts of time thinking,
writing about and preparing food in addition to avoiding it. This all
seems to be a colossal waste of energy compared to my method.
Apparently it's all about control.
 |
| Cake: shit |
The
methodologically robust literature search ('I feel lucky' google hit)
here led me to a post about posts about how blogging is hard. As this
post is pretty much about that then that's incredibly ironic. A bit
like anorexics being obsessed by food. Like food bloggers are. Maybe
they could start a joint support group and cancel each other out.
Literally.
Traffic
There
seems to be a lot of talk about traffic in blogging posts. Blogging
posts about traffic. Traffic. Firstly it's a stupid word. Traffic.
Secondly I listen to Radio 2 whilst I commute and hear a thirty minute
bulletin about traffic that doesn't concern me because I live in
fucking rural Wales and another convoy of oil tankers backed up
because of a convoy of tractors dragging sheep to their deaths
doesn't merit a mention. Fuck traffic.
 |
| Sheep: Dicks |
Fashion Blogging
I
don't exactly have my finger on the pulse when it comes to fashion
but I do wear a shirt and tweed jacket when I don't even have to
leave the house so I reckon I'll fuck you all and laugh at you on the
internet in ten years from now from the safety of my shirt and tweed
jacket.
Writing
Well,
I wouldn't want to end up tumbling off my high horse here (a sturdy
Falabella) eyes first into the luxurious thick pile carpet that I can
afford due to my lucrative writing career, but I've been writing
since I was three years old. Where does a man on the internet get off
on telling me how to write down words? Many authors mature into their
work later in life, with others their best work is crammed early into
their careers before they descend into a fugue of alcoholism and
obscurity, literary achievements a hubristic
and bitter memory. I wrote my best story at seven. Men fought a
dragon for no reason and everybody died, including the dragon. I drew
a picture. My favourite writer is George Orwell and he just wrote
down lists of different types of cotton that were exploiting the
working classes then died of AIDS in a shed.
