Wednesday 21 August 2013

Things that shit bloggers write about.


Being a shit blogger I thought I'd up my game by researching some of the shit things that shit bloggers write about and try to get some tips. My research methodology was p tested and forest plotted extensively so I knew I was onto a winner before I even started. Lacking any real statistical software I simply autohypnotically clicked into my calculator.exe whilst thinking really hard about robots (to avoid publication bias) and got a result that was not a 'minus number'. This is how science works, don't ask me how, it just is.

Food blogging

As a borderline anorexic this threw me a bit I must say. I mainly try to avoid eating food let alone write about it. Eating disordered bloggers on the other hand often spend vast amounts of time thinking, writing about and preparing food in addition to avoiding it. This all seems to be a colossal waste of energy compared to my method. Apparently it's all about control.

Cake: shit

The methodologically robust literature search ('I feel lucky' google hit) here led me to a post about posts about how blogging is hard. As this post is pretty much about that then that's incredibly ironic. A bit like anorexics being obsessed by food. Like food bloggers are. Maybe they could start a joint support group and cancel each other out. Literally.

Traffic

There seems to be a lot of talk about traffic in blogging posts. Blogging posts about traffic. Traffic. Firstly it's a stupid word. Traffic. Secondly I listen to Radio 2 whilst I commute and hear a thirty minute bulletin about traffic that doesn't concern me because I live in fucking rural Wales and another convoy of oil tankers backed up because of a convoy of tractors dragging sheep to their deaths doesn't merit a mention. Fuck traffic.

Sheep: Dicks

Fashion Blogging

I don't exactly have my finger on the pulse when it comes to fashion but I do wear a shirt and tweed jacket when I don't even have to leave the house so I reckon I'll fuck you all and laugh at you on the internet in ten years from now from the safety of my shirt and tweed jacket.

Writing

Well, I wouldn't want to end up tumbling off my high horse here (a sturdy Falabella) eyes first into the luxurious thick pile carpet that I can afford due to my lucrative writing career, but I've been writing since I was three years old. Where does a man on the internet get off on telling me how to write down words? Many authors mature into their work later in life, with others their best work is crammed early into their careers before they descend into a fugue of alcoholism and obscurity, literary achievements a hubristic and bitter memory. I wrote my best story at seven. Men fought a dragon for no reason and everybody died, including the dragon. I drew a picture. My favourite writer is George Orwell and he just wrote down lists of different types of cotton that were exploiting the working classes then died of AIDS in a shed.